Out of the Ashes

It has been said that it is better to have love and lost than to never have loved at all. I once believed that was just absolute rubbish – one doesn’t crave a cigarette if one never smoked one, right? Well… I was wrong. But, that was alright. I’ve been wrong before. Hell, that’s kind of what life’s all about, isn’t it? Learning from one’s mistakes?

The flaw in my theory was a simple one: we have all had a form of love in our lives. We often love those whom we call “parents” and those things we knew as “toys,” along with ten thousand things in between. We cannot help it. It is our nature to love. It is unavoidable… even for psychopaths.

Of course, with that all in mind, one cannot possibly “have never loved at all.” Sure, it’s quite possible to have never been loved – if one wishes to argue semantics. It’s not necessary, though. Time is better wasted on other, more provoking thoughts.

To site just one example, how about the weird, little fact that we all crave love like an inherited addiction? Yeah… why not? It’s that weird, little fact, ladies and gentlemen, is the very reason why losing a thing like love is so fucking painful.

When we fall out of love, we feel betrayed. We’re hurt by those thoughts which tell us that we might have missed out on something better while we wasted our time in a doomed affair. We might have been much happier doing something or someone else. Instead, we decided to stick with what we told ourselves was “comfortable,” “tolerable,” or “secure.” Oh, it was all bullshit, of course – and we knew that. We lie to ourselves all the time. It is how we justify our stupid ideas; as everyone knows, we cannot admit to ever being wrong. That sort of thing just kills the ego.

None less, losing love happens and, as statistics state, the majority of marriages today end in divorce, right? Yeah… so what? It’s not the end of the world. It’s just an invitation to a new stream of reality, one which you can build up any way you’d like.

See, we spend way too much time dwelling on what went wrong and how things would have been different. Why? We can’t go back and change it. Hell, I wish I could, too, but we cannot. It’s not even remotely possible. What’s done is done. Yesterday’s gone. All we can do is change our today to improve our tomorrows. Nursing a broken heart only delays the healing process. In fact, it’s a lot like picking your scabs. The more we pick, the deeper the scar turns out. Same principle applies. And, trust me, everyone can see the scars on a broken heart. They shine through quite well.

Something more drastic is needed: a broken heart surgery. Rather than waste any time playing “what if,” go out and enjoy yourself. Let go. Take all of your emotional baggage down to the curb and proclaim aloud, “I will not be depressed! I will not allow this to hold me back! The time for suffering is over. The time to renew my spirit begins now!”

Sure, that’s much easier said than done. But, that does not take away from its power. Doing this is that drastic first step. So what everything’s harder at first? You’re worth it. This is your life. This is your moment. Take control of this “now” and things will be easier tomorrow. Never be afraid of that first step. Never fear stumbling into your stride. It takes a few steps to start walking tall again, that’s common knowledge. And, you can walk tall again, I promise you. You have to just believe in yourself – that’s all. Reclaim yourself and psych yourself up for that new life you’ve always wanted. Only you can make your dreams come true. Only you.

“I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.” ~ Douglas Adams

Normally, that’s a quote I have often agreed with when it comes to self-induced deadlines. Not this time, though. This deadline isn’t quite that little bluebird of slap-happiness I’ve come to know and love. It’s a bit more like an iron vulture this time… and, unfortunately, it now sits where the eagle once landed, staring at my through kaleidoscope eyes.

Of course, I’m speaking of the deadline I had set for my first novel’s completion. Well, to be specific, the forth deadline I had set for this. Sure, I could offer up some slightly accurate explanations as for why these events have taken place. I could also offer up some pretty creative fabrications as well, if you’d like. However, I really don’t have any intension or desire for engaging in such an activity. In fact, all I have, at this point, is the urge to throw my hands up in a gesture of dissatisfaction and grunt joylessly. You can do this, too, if you’d like. But, if you want my expertise on that and what results may follow, please allow me to share that doing so truly doesn’t help matters any. Neither does exclaiming of the French phrase, “C’est la vie!” Well… knowing is half the battle, right?

On a related topic, I have found much delight in the company of our adorable, yet ornery quadrupeds. To that, I can only add that attempting to devour a ham sandwich, on the other hand, in a house filled with frisky felines is no different than inciting a riot. I’ve seen sharks on TV frenzy, but with nowhere near the same enthusiasm as eight cats longing for a shred of sweetly cured pig. Feel free to take my word on that.

In my lifetime thus far, I went from buying music that fit with my personality to changing my personality to fit the music I was listening to and back again. Oh sure, we always hear how impressionable the youth can be, but one doesn’t begin to realize just how much until one hits that turn-around point. After that, I started experimenting with this discovery – experimenting with just how much influence the music I listened to had on me.

First, I started out the day carefully selecting what CD I would put in for the drive to work. I noticed that when I had played something a bit aggressive, I would be a bit aggressive that day at work. For example, if I was listening to Ministry or Bad Religion that morning, I found that my patience that day was a bit shorter than usual. Also, my tolerance for taking shit from anyone ran on empty. However, I did notice a difference between these two bands as well. Sure, they both sang about political topics and the misdirected progression of our society, but they do this in two completely different ways. Ministry has always been a bit more direct with their words and a bit more, shall we say, “violent,” while Bad Religion had always been more intellectual about this with heavy overtones of sarcasm and a sense that anything self-serving or driven by self-importance was a fallacy.

On the days I had listened to Bad Religion on the way to work, I was also a bit more intellectual with my attacks. I would challenge authority with philosophy as opposed to just challenging them with attitude alone. I was acting out on those thoughts which attracted me to these bands in the first place freely, yes. But, I was also acting out under the influence of the mood the music had put me in as well.

So, with that in mind, I started thinking about what kind of day I would have if I had played something else. The second stage of my experiment started out with older favorites of mine – the music of my earlier youth, like Jimi Hendrix, B.B. King, and Led Zeppelin. On those days, I was happier. I took more shit from those I had to and I was a bit more productive with work (which, by the way, was creating graphic arts at the time).

That seemed to make those around me more comfortable, which was cool. But, I was also feeling as if no one took me seriously on those days. Most of the suggestions I made at meetings on those days were simply shrugged off like the silly words children say when trying to sound mature and people seemed to have that urge to treat me like I was teenager. That, needless to say, bothered the hell out of me.

So, I decided to try something else. In fact, I decided to try something which had always inspired me to be creative: Primus. Now, this is a band that is all over the place with their songs. Some tracks are funk-punk ballads about sitting at the DMV all day or about some of those colorful folks Les had met in his travels, like “Harold of the Rocks.” Others are a bit more political in nature. “Too Many Puppies” is a perfect example of that. But, no matter what Les was singing about, the sound that is Primus – that signature sound this band creates has always made me smile in ways that usually make people worry about me. The happiness I got from their tunes was an emotion those I worked with could not relate to or empathize with me on. That happiness was mine alone – unique in every way. On those days, I produced the most… and everyone simply left me alone to do it.

So, now… years into this experiment, I have applied this tactic to other aspects of life. For instance, before a photo shoot, I first think of what kind if shoot I’m doing and select something to listen to accordingly. If I’m doing something with stage blood, grit, and raw fury, I usually put in something Skinny Puppy or Rob Zombie in and allow my mind to wander while driving to whatever location I’m doing the shoot. If I’m planning to create something melodic and beautiful with my captures, generally my tunes of choice fall upon Bauhaus, Sisters of Mercy, and Jane’s Addiction for inspiration. See where that’s going?

I also have music I like to put in to get myself in the mood to write my crazy stories. The novel I’m finishing up now, The Misadventures of Mason Stone, Private Eye, was largely written with Dick Dale and His Del-Tones playing in the background. Of course, I do wonder if my readers will be able to tell when I was listening to something else when I wrote certain sections of the book. Guess that will be something I’ll look for in the future.

I’ve asked around on many occasions to see how many people did something like this for themselves and I have been surprised on many occasions to find that I was not alone. See, I had thought that most people just had music they would put in to help set that romantic atmosphere they were creating, music for relaxation, and what they would put in while cleaning house. I was wrong. However, I was just as surprised to find that these same people didn’t even think too much about this or why they did it. Crazy, huh?

If you’re into films, you’ve probably seen one entitle, “The Bucket List.” Maybe you’ve seen “Things To Do In Denver When You’re Dead” as well. In both of these films, characters were facing the end of their days and were in possession of a list of ten things they all wanted to do or accomplish before they “kicked the bucket.”

“The Bucket List” was quite an inspirational film for many people, myself included. I’ve spoke with a few who have such a list. In fact, I just met someone on Twitter who is studying Japanese and plans to write a book as those were items on his list. I know another cat that plans on running a marathon for the same (or, rather, a similar) reason. And, true… there are some who have these lists have included some far-fetched goals, like skateboarding on the surface of Mars or riding a mechanical zebra across Africa. And, while I’m all for the bizarre and setting the bar high on one’s aspirations…

Sure, I have a pretty wild list. The difference between mine, however, and a list which contains items like “having sex with Queen of England” (don’t try to picture that one) is quite a simple one: I’m actually going after my crazy dreams. Why? Well, that’s simple, too. My dreams keep me up all night, so I might as well live them out so I can finally get some decent sleep.

Seriously, though… why have dreams if you’re not willing to follow through on them? Life is all about the experiences we create for ourselves and/or become subjected to, right? So, why not be more objective with life and carry out some of those little plots and schemes which taunt us and haunt us so? Hell, if only for the stories you can tell others about what you’ve done, it’s worth it (especially if those stories are unbelievable, yet true).

Of course, once something’s checked off, it’s a better idea to replace that item with something new rather than just leave it with that sense of accomplishment. Those feelings fade with time. Besides, you don’t want to live out the rest of your days wrapped up like some strung-out, re-fried bean in some abstract nostalgic burrito. Living in the past is no way to live at all. So, keep updating and renewing that list if you keep one. That way, you’ll always have something to strive for, dig?

(You know, now that I think of it, I think I’ve only mentioned two of the items from my bucket list in this blog. The most obvious (and the most obscure) of the two is my pursuit of a life engulfed in creativity. What does that mean? Well, like a goober, here it is in a nutshell. You’ve heard of the whole “life imitating art” bit, right? I want a life that is art. I want to wake up every day creating something new until every inch of my reality is tainted with my design.

Fact is, every item on my bucket list is related to this concept. The novel I’m writing now is not only the first of a trilogy, but is also a tenth of the second item on my bucket list. By this, I mean my intention is to write at least ten novels – all of which I have already written many times in my head. (I kid you not, I have stacks of notebooks filled with notes I’ve made over the last 16 years on their plots, their characters, et cetera and so on. Hell, I’ve been known to drive my friends insane with those damn notes to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. I’m pretty sure they’re happy to see me finally writing the novels instead.)

As for the rest of my list, well… what can I say? Outside my aspiration to become a filmmaker, I honestly want most of those items to be a surprise. But, for the sake of this post, I’ll drop a few hints. Here’s one: I have a deep passion for gardening, architecture, statues, Tim Burton’s set designs, carnivals, and miniature golf. Want another hint? I, like another friend of mine, have blueprints for a house I wish to build that includes a kitchen design resembling a mad scientist’s laboratory. Bet you can see more of what I mean by creating a life that is art, yes? Care to join me?)

The other day, I found myself in a conversation with one of my neighbors who’s in the beginning stages of an end of a two-year relationship. As he informed me, all of that was a simple matter of fate and they were predetermined to split up. “We just weren’t meant to be, you know?”

“I don’t buy that for a second,” I replied. And, as my words circled around in his head, I saw the confusion growing in his eyes.

“Wha- how do you mean?”

I don’t often like answering a question with a question, but this was one of those moments when it was nearly necessary. “If destiny truly existed, why would we have free will?”

Imagine you’re a teacher in a classroom, a politician on the stand, or someone at the park feeding ducks. In all these cases, you have a group of people or ducks in front of you… some of them are very anxious and eager in getting your attention and some are calm and relaxed. Now comes the time when you must call upon someone in that crowd. It doesn’t matter if you are calling upon one to give them permission to ask a question, answer a question, or to give them some food.  Is it not the tendency to call upon one that is calm, perhaps even least expecting to be called upon? Is it not a natural tendency to try to avoid those who are being the most aggressive with getting your attention? Maybe they’re pushing everyone else out of their way or jumping up and down like their feet are on fire – doesn’t matter, really. The tendency is to call upon those who are calm and passive. That type of energy is more attractive and less irritating than that which comes from aggression or desperation.

Now, let’s flip the table around. Imagine you’re someone in that crowd and the one on stage is something or has something which you desire to obtain – money, love, a new job, health, companionship – whatever one can desire to obtain. How would you go about attracting the attention of your desire?

A couple weeks ago, I sent in a proposal to the Guinness World Records. That proposal detailed my plan to take a photography featuring the largest group of people reading books outdoors. As an added bonus, I included my plot to have the participants come dressed in costumes representing a vast range of culture and professional diversity. If approved, my next step was to head over to the Tampa Hillsborough County Public Library System and to the City of Tampa to obtain backing and permits.

A large part of the motive behind this was to promote the public libraries, to raise the public’s interest in literary arts, and to draw attention to the city of Tampa itself. However, the other part of my motive wasn’t to get my name mentioned in a book or world records. No. It was because simply I wanted to do something larger than life. I wanted to go over the top, just for the thrill of doing so.

This proposal, as I just found out via email, was denied. Why? Well… my plan had one major flaw: how does one photograph another reading silently? It cannot be done. The photo would only show someone staring at a book which creates the illusion that they are reading, but they could be staring at it blankly just the same. That wasn’t not something I took into consideration when I came up with this idea, but the good folks at GWR were nice enough to point that out.

No loss. Sure, my plan flopped. But, two or three other plans spawned from this flop, so the concept of the plan “failing” is actually a bit of a misnomer. The fact is: I’ve succeeded in discovering what would work and what would not, something that I could not have known unless I tested out the idea myself. See, I could still arrange to take that photo providing I come up with a new angle on it, say… a local holiday, like our Guavaween or Gasperilla festivals. Or, if I’m so inclined, I could come up with something else to get my name written down for some other world record. And, who knows? I might do both. I’m not sure yet. I still have a score of other projects in the works.

So, why would I even dare to think of doing something like this? It was all out of experimentation, honestly. Color me crazy, but I want to see how far reality can stretch before it truly snaps. I want to see what it becomes once it actually breaks.

But, see? There’s a great deal of beauty in all of this. Where is it written that someone cannot come along and organize a massive undertaking like the one I mentioned above? Where is it written that all things must remain the same? If such a law exists, there are many in history before us who was quite unaware of it. And those people made changes, didn’t they? They reshaped the reality as people then knew it. It’s my sincerest desire to do the same thing for this modern age. Life just isn’t weird enough for me yet.

Part Three: The Unknown

If life taught me anything in all these years, it’s that one never knows what’s going to happen next. Life is ever-changing, ever-fluxuating sequence of events. Of course, if you’ve been alive long enough to have a memory, you might already be aware of this phenomenon.

But, that’s just it… we’re all aware of this. We’re also aware that, at any given moment, something devastating could come along and wipe away everything you have come to know and find comfort in. Think of it. Earthquakes are starting to happen in places we never really expected and creating more damage than we dreamed possible. Hurricanes have been known to clear out entire cities and wash them right back into the Dark Ages. Tornadoes, fires, flash floods, mud slides, land slides, volcanoes erupting, violent wind storms… all raging with the power and the desire to tear down anything it can in their pasts – and that’s just nature! Let’s not forget human-triggered disasters like drive-by’s, robberies, riots, auto accidents, chemical weapons, warfare, mass genocide, terrorism…

Yes… at any minute, something stunningly traumatic could occur and turn anyone’s life inside out. But, rather than running around worrying about these things, we just continue to scratch on day to day, wasting our hours at some meaningless job we can’t stand, and doing nothing about anything unless we genuinely have to. Seriously?

Picture, for a moment, that all that you may believe to be improbable actually happened. For example, picture yourself in a car wreck. Let’s say, in this wreck, your legs have been severed from your body. What will you miss? What could you have done, wanted to do, and now cannot because you have no legs?

How about this one… let’s say you wake up one day and find your house on fire. Everything’s burning. You barely get out alive, but suddenly find yourself to be the sole survivor. Worse yet, the fire inspector finds that the fire was started by one of the children playing with volatile chemicals and a lighter in the laundry room and the insurance company you’ve paid hundreds of dollars to over the last couple years decides not to cover the losses. What then? What would you do? Where would you go? How would you recover? All of these things are probabilities which lie dormant just on the outskirts of all that’s unknown, but they are possible and could happen at any time… and, often, when we least expect it.

So… if this exercise was new to you and you hadn’t even thought to fear these things before, why do you fear the unknown when it comes to asking out that gorgeous person you’d been eying for months? Why do you fear the unknown when it comes to exploring that new job opportunity? Why haven’t you gone to that one country you’ve been dying to visit since you were a child with that whole “I don’t care what happens, I’m going and I’m going to have a good time while I’m there” attitude? Why have you not gone to that audition to try and land that role you’ve always wanted to have? Is it because you don’t know what someone would say or how things will go?

How is it that the fear of the unknown stops us from pursing all of that we desire, but the fear of the unknown doesn’t stop us from leaving our houses in the morning out of the fear that something somewhere could somehow take place and kill us or leave us begging for death? Why is it that we sweat the small things, but can easily play ignorant to larger, more devastating possibilities? Curious, isn’t it?

Well, as for myself, I think applying that same ignorance to all that’s unknown would be absolutely beneficial. And, why not? I’m certainly confident enough in my hard-earned wisdom and educated enough through the experiences I have survived to know I can handle just about anything that comes crawling out of the unknown – and all what I have yet to experience, I am definitely open to it. Hell, I welcome it. It’s always time to lose one’s virginity when it comes to new explorations and new experiences. That’s what life’s all about and it offers all these things in abundance. We cannot grow as human beings without new experiences and discoveries, so… why not take life up on these opportunities when they come along? And, who knows? Maybe tomorrow, you’ll be shot on the way to work or be hit by a falling satellite… all because we decided to stick to our safe, simple routine and thought it best to not take risks with life. Wouldn’t we feel foolish? More importantly, wouldn’t we also live out the rest of our days in regret, dreaming about all those things we could have done if only we took the chance?

Don’t think about it. Just go out and live life to its fullest. Life sure doesn’t last long enough to ever take it for granted.